Its hard to say when a rash first started. By the time you notice it its been growing for some time. Days? Hours? Minutes? I suppose it has to do with a number of factors. The type of rash. Humidity. Your bodies immune system. Personal hygiene. Diet. I’m not a dermatologist and I’m too lazy to do my own research, but this all sounds right. Regardless of the factors, what really matters is the treatment.
If you haven’t guessed yet, this story is about a rash. A rash vile, insidious, somewhat symmetrical, and residing in a rather sensitive area of the body. I warn you now, if you are at all squeamish, this story is not for you. I suggest you stop here and take a look at another, less aggressive, story. For instance Can’t teach a man to fish.
For those who have chosen to read on, let us begin…..
We refer to it as “The rash of 2018”. It was a rash to remember for sure. As you now know, I can’t tell you exactly when it began but I can tell you I battled this rash for many weeks. It was a severe case of the classic “jock itch”. For my weapon of choice I had chosen Lotrimin spray and applied it to the infected area regularly. Over time the application went from every 2 or 3 days, once a day, and finally at its peak, five times a day. Eventually the treatment kept it from getting worse, but did not cure it.
I have the same shower routine every morning. I towel off, rub my left armpit with deodorant, switch hands and then the other. I spray Old Spice deodorant on my chest. Just one spritz as not to be overwhelming. I then hold the can behind my head, aiming down and away from my back, and spray just a half a spray. I step back with my right foot and twist to and froe to make sure my back is well covered by the mist. I do this because I want to smell just as good walking away from you as I do walking toward you. It is like the doppler effect but with smell.
That morning, when I stepped back into my back spray stance, I noticed in the mirror… my rash. A fiery bright red. Larger. Angrier. The rash was simply alarming. After several weeks of using Lotrimin, the rash had now gotten worse. Much worse. I remember thinking “Dammit! That’s it! I am going to fix this once and for all”. I decided that I was going to spray the effected area for 5 seconds. 5 seconds is a VERY long time in spray time. Really soke the area. I started to spray the right side. One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi, Four Mississippi, Five Mississippi”. With a smug grin on my face I proclaimed “Take that you vile creature from Hell”.
Then there was a tingle. followed by some pain. Followed by excruciating pain. I can tell you that this was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I’ve had four children, suffered several sports injuries, and had a nail half ripped off. This was worse than all of those things combined. Yes. I had sprayed the Old Spice spray on the infection… just the right side. Tears started streaming from my eyes. I turned to the bathtub behind me. No, it would take too long to fill up the tub. I looked back at the sink in front of me. No. I was too short. So I stood there. Eyes watering. Bearing the pain. I just took it like a man. Tears and all.
The pain did subside. I stopped crying. I gathered myself. Then I sprayed the left side, for the full 5 Mississippis….one Mississippi, and so on. It stung. It hurt. Tears were had.
I know you are asking yourself, “Why? Why the left side? Why would you do such a thing?”. After much reflection and therapy, I understand now that reason stems from an incident that occurred 20 years ago that turned my like of symmetry into a compulsion.
The year was 1993. I was in my early 20s, living in San Francisco. I had gone to the dentist for a checkup and a cleaning. In the middle of the cleaning the hygienist announced “You are all set. Make an appointment on your way out for the other half”. “The other half???” I thought. They only cleaned half my teeth! Not the upper or lower row but just the left side. Top and bottom on the left side. The right side… untouched. She told me that I needed to schedule another appointment to have the right side done. I was furious. I demanded they finish the job but to no avail. They were adamant that doing the full mouth all at once would be too uncomfortable. Trust me when I say my teeth are normal teeth. No different than the average person. There was no reason for that excuse.
I was so mad, I refused to give them any more of my business. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to find another dentist to finish the job and pay full price for half the work. So, I waited for about six months until I felt like the left side, the cleaned side, was dirty enough for an all teeth, full mouth cleaning. I walked around with half my teeth sparkling bright, while the other half remained a dingy yellow. I was a heavy drinker of coffee and red wine at the time, so the yellow was pretty yellow. I didn’t smile much during those 6 months. Never the less, that dentist did not get any more of my business. I had made my point.
There you have it: the importance of symmetry. Symmetry applies to almost everything in life, whether it’s brushing your teeth, applying body spray, or treating a rash. I hope you won’t take it for granted.
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